Today my darlin told me alot of jokes..that he never do it b4 :p

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. teacher: What are you waiting for? student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"

An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted. To which his wife said to her lover 'I told you he was stupid

Man : what is a million years like to you?God : Like a second.Man : what is a million dollar like to you?God : like a penny.Man : can I have a penny?God : just a second…

A Wife got home late from work, and found her husband lyingdown on the bed.
She looks at him and says:"Take off my shoes!""Yes darling." He replies, and takes off her shoes."Take off my dress!" says the wife."Yes darling." He says, and removes her dress."Take off my bra and knickers!" she then says."Yes darling." He replies, and takes them off.Then the wife says: "And don't let me catch you wearing them again

An old man was sitting on a park bench weeping and crying. A second man passing by stopped and asked what was wrong. The man crying answered:"Three months ago I met a beautiful 26 year old woman. I'm 78 years old. We hit it off so well she moved into my apartment with me. Every evening and every morning we make love. Not only that,but she cleans my apartment, cooks my meals and never asks for athing." The passerby asked, "That sounds great, why are you crying?" The old man answered, "I can't remeber where I live."

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it

A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.